All's Fair
by LadyAlambiel
Summary: All's fair... Well, at least the Raccoons saved us from Freddie and Teddie. Part of the 24 in 24 Authors' Challenge.


Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia or any characters you may recognize from the books or the movies, I wish I did but I don't... I also don't own the Narnian Calendar. It belongs to Elecktrum who was kind enough to let me borrow it for my story. Her own stories are awesome and you should go read them too.

Summary: Well, at least the Raccoons saved us from Freddie and Teddie. Part of the 24 in 24 Authors' Challenge.

A/N: Pure fluff piece that is all WillowDryad's idea...and, I couldn't resist such a plump plot bunny. Hope you enjoy it! This is part of my _A Light in the Darkness_ universe and is a sequel to my oneshots _Acceptance,__ How Hard Could It Be?,_ _What Could Possibly Go Wrong?,__ What Were We Thinking?,_ and_ For the Love of Peter_ but can be read as a standalone.

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16 Sunbend 1004

I had the sudden urge to fidget as I eyed the doors our guests were due to come through at any minute. Why? Why did Terebinthia suddenly decide they wanted to strengthen their alliance with Narnia through marriage? And, of course, we didn't dare offend the ambassadors by refusing to even speak with them or meeting the girls...as Stonebrook had gently reminded me when I first wanted to simply turn them down flat, which was slightly embarrassing for me, I mean I was supposed to know better after four years of ruling Narnia and learning the diplomatic ropes. Never mind that Edmund, not to mention Susan, was far, far better at these games of diplomacy than I could ever hope to be...not that Stonebrook hasn't tried to pound the delicate intricacies of diplomacy into my head with the same viciousness Oreius has pounded military tactics and such into my head. In any case, it was for the sake of diplomacy that I found myself attending a formal tea that Susan had put together in the last day, Lion bless her, to entertain the envoy from Terebinthia. Of course, my main goal was to find a way to politely and diplomatically decline the Terebinthian proposal of a marriage alliance...hopefully, the girls wouldn't be too disappointed.

"Ready?"

I started a little at the sudden interruption. I glanced over to see Kat watching me with a hint of a smirk. I admit I had been a little surprised when Lucy dragged Kat into the room and Stonebrook had allowed her to stay with no more than a quick greeting. I guess he was hoping Kat still being on the mend from those broken ribs would temper her less than diplomatic approach to certain situations...okay, Kat had no idea how to be diplomatic as we discovered last year when she shoved the Calormene ambassador into a fountain. You know, I don't think anyone ever did find out why she shoved him. I flushed a little when I realized Kat was still patiently waiting for me to respond, "I suppose I am."

She smiled, "Well, try not to over think this thing. You'll just invite Murphy to come bug you if you do."

I grinned a little, "What are you going to do when you meet someone who's actually named Murphy after spending years griping about Murphy and his law?"

Kat didn't even blink when she replied, "Tell him to change his name and quick."

I couldn't help it. I had to laugh. But, I quickly sobered when the doors opened and our guests were announced. First, two of the lords of Terebinthia entered then came two sweet-looking girls, one about my age and the other was probably near Edmund's age, but before I could greet them, two women walked into the room. They were very...very, um, robust and well-padded. The one on the right was tall, well she was about Susan's height and therefore taller than her companion, but definitely shorter than Kat. She had her coarse brown hair pulled back in a severe style that seemed to emphasize her pinched features...or maybe that was her odd makeup, which looked remarkably like she had her face coated in several layers of flour with a red heart-shape design in the center of her lips and blotches of red in the middle of her cheeks. Her companion was shorter being only a few inches taller than Edmund, but she was even rounder than the first lady. She also wore the same odd makeup of a white face with blotches of red in the middle of her cheeks and a red heart in the center of her lips, but her reddish-brown hair had been piled on top of her head in a precarious design that looked... Well, to be perfectly honest, it looked like a molting dead bird had landed on her head. Both women wore stiff-looking dresses that were cut alarmingly low and were so heavily embroidered, I found myself wondering how they managed to stay upright. I was still somewhat confused as to who they were and why they were here; perhaps they were the chaperones to the two young girls, the sisters who were supposed to be meeting with us. I also didn't understand why they were dressed in a fashion that I had never seen any of the Terebinthian women wearing.

Then the ambassador introduced the woman with the pinched features as the Countess Winnifred of Terebinthia and her companion was her sister the Lady Theodora. Oh no, Winnifred and Theodora were the sisters. I couldn't keep from glancing at Kat who was still standing beside me. She was looking over at Oreius and Stonebrook. Susan and Lucy both gave me a wide-eyed look from where they stood just behind the sisters. I don't think any of us suspected that the sisters who wanted a marriage alliance would be so...so...experienced in life...I know I didn't. A glance at Edmund told me he had gone even paler than usual.

The Countess curtsied deeply and I hastily averted my eyes, praying that I wasn't blushing. Her sister, Theodora, also curtsied deeply...directly in front of Edmund, who did turn red. I was about to greet the women when I noticed them glaring to my right...at Kat. Oh no, they didn't think that Kat was... I quickly smiled, "Countess Winnifred, Lady Theodora, allow us to introduce our beloved cousin, Lady Katerina."

Kat smiled, it looked real enough, and then inclined her head before she slipped away to stand next to Susan and Lucy. Edmund started introducing her as a cousin about two years ago, but even though we loved her like a sister and considered her part of the family, Kat had set her foot down when Lucy tried to convince her to let us officially adopt her. She had said she was far too old to be adopted now. Didn't keep Lucy from pouting at me for not introducing her as our sister though.

I gulped as Countess Winnifred finally spoke in a high girlish voice that seemed misplaced for a woman of her age. "Oh please, your majesties, do call us Freddie and Teddie. We shouldn't have to stand on so much formality, should we?" Yes, we should. Edmund gave me a wide-eyed look when Freddie and Teddie turned to make the required greetings to Susan and Lucy. Then, we both looked at Stonebrook and Oreius who were watching the entire proceedings, but neither of them gave us the escape I knew we were both hoping for in light of this latest revelation.

I just realized that Kat was speaking quietly with the two girls I had originally thought were Winnifred and Theodora when the Countess, err, Freddie reappeared in my line of vision, leaning forward so I once again had to avert my gaze as she spoke. "Oh, your majesty, I feel I must apologize for missing your birthday celebration last week. Unfortunately, there was a storm that delayed our ship's departure from port. Otherwise, I assure you we would have been here." She fluttered her eyelashes at me...fluttered. Aslan save me. I wonder how Ed's faring...

I darted a glance at Edmund who was trying to sidle to the coffee on the other refreshment table, but Theodora...err, Teddie was blocking his path. Edmund was turning redder by the second as Teddie _giggled_ and stood within inches of him, which was making it extremely difficult for him to keep his eyes where a gentleman should since every time she moved, she would dip toward him...okay it actually looked like she was about to fall and flatten Edmund at any moment. Now how exactly were we supposed to get out of this without rendering an insult to Terebinthia?

Freddie was speaking again in her high girlish voice when I felt something, or rather someone, climb up my back. The ambassador broke off his conversation with Susan and called Freddie over...unfortunately, for Edmund, Teddie was not called over and continued to regale him with conversations about the intricacies of...porcelain figurine collecting. Then, I heard a soft giggle that I instantly recognized as a cold little nose rubbed against the back of my neck. Oh no. "'Ing Pet." Suki.

My mind was racing trying to figure out how she had gotten in here. Suki sank her forepaws into my hair and yanked a little as she giggled again...and Freddie was making her way back across the room. Suki would go to Kat or Oreius, but Oreius was speaking with the chief military advisor for the Terebinthians and Kat was...Kat was nowhere to be found. Suki rubbed her cheek against my neck and gave a purring chirp, "'Ing Pet."

Freddie halted in front of me and smiled before her high girlish voice grated against my ears, "Oh, your majesty, I was just discussing with Ambassador Herron the proposed alliance and I do think we should discuss this alliance as well. Now, I was thinking that we could plan for an autumn ceremony. The air's just so nice and crisp in the autumn and it goes with my colors. Of course, I'm sure your sisters will have their opinions but I do think I, well, you and I should have the final word since it is our wedding."

Before I could even formulate my protest, a shrill little voice wailed, "No!" I winced as Suki scrambled on top of my head and yanked rather viciously on my hair as she hissed, "No! 'Ing Pet mine!"

Freddie jerked back with a scream. Every eye turned toward us and then sheer pandemonium seemed to settle on the room as Suki leapt off me to land on the refreshment table. Her fur was puffed out and she let out another angry hiss, "Bad! 'Ing Pet mine!" She sat up with her fur still puffed out and suddenly threw a delicate little pastry right at Freddie. Freddie screamed again as the pastry hit her in the face. Suki grabbed another pastry and continued pelting Freddie with it as the woman attempted to flee but was hampered by her stiff dress. I saw Kat reappear just long enough to grab Susan and Lucy and lead them toward the end of the room where Oreius and Stonebrook were standing, and away from Suki who was still hissing as she continued throwing everything she could at Freddie.

A sudden squawk of alarm sounded from my left and I whirled to see Edmund was struggling to support Teddie who had fallen as a result of the jellyroll smashed on her forehead...and to make matters worse, Atuki was bouncing on her mass of hair causing it to flop into her eyes. Edmund winced as Atuki shouted, "Duht! Bad! Bad! Bad! Duht! Duht! Duht!"

Edmund growled, "Atuki, get off her head."

The little Raccoon stared at Edmund, "'Ing Emu bad?"

"Yes, I mean no, I mean... Oh for the love of the Lion, Atuki get down right now!" And, Atuki had to take my brother's words literally so he bounced from Teddie's head to her...err, front before he sprang to the refreshment table and immediately started pelting Teddie with the jellies and jams. She screeched and toppled over to the accompaniment of a ripping sound. Edmund stared at his feet for a moment and I knew my little brother was trying not to laugh. Then, Atuki pelted him with a s'iny before returning to the game of throwing food at Teddie who was struggling to get back to her feet.

Another scream sounded and I spun back around to see Suki chasing Freddie across the room, still hissing and with her fur puffed out so she looked twice as large as she really was, and still shouting, "No! Bad! Bad! 'Ing Pet mine!"

Freddie screamed again, "Make it stop! Ambassador Herron, I demand you make it stop!"

Ambassador Herron spread his hands, "How do you expect me to do that, Countess? You came here under your own initiative."

Teddie wailed, "Oh! Stop that! It hurts! Freddie, you never said this would happen!"

Freddie stamped her foot and screamed, "Take us back to Terebinthia, you old fool! Take us back!"

Suki hissed and threw a crumpet at Freddie, which smacked her in the eye, causing that woman to shriek again before she tottered out the door as fast as she could. Atuki shouted, "Duht! Bad! Duht! Duht! Bad!" He hurled a tea cup at Teddie, which bounced off her back and the ripped portion of her heavy skirts, causing her to shriek and wail for Freddie to wait for her.

Kat suddenly hissed, "Atuki, Suki, that's enough!" Suki put down the crumpet she had picked up but Atuki had already thrown his next missile.

The Amabassador didn't duck in time to avoid the jellyroll Atuki threw at him, but the man laughed and bowed to us all, "Your majesties, with respect, it seems the Countess Winnifred and her sister, the Lady Theodora, withdraw their proposal of a marriage alliance to strengthen the ties between our countries. With your permission, we will set sail for home in the morning. Aslan's protection upon you all."

I nodded, a little stunned at what had just happened. The military advisor, Seddhan, bowed to us as well, "We've been trying to get those two to act with some decorum for years...this trip seems to have been beneficial for them after all. Vanessa, Selima, come along daughters, I think we've stayed long enough. General Oreius, Lady Katerina, your majesties. Aslan's protection upon you all." Seddhan walked out with his daughters trailing him. It suddenly hit me that Seddhan and his daughters had managed to go untouched by the Raccoon kits' antics. Kat and Oreius must have had a hand in that, I was certain of it.

Speaking of Raccoon kits, Suki suddenly crawled her way up to my shoulder and flung her arms around my head as far as she could reach, managing to poke me in the eye as she did. She hummed, "Happy! Happy! Happy!" And then, to my immense embarrassment, Suki chirped before she started to say in a sing-song voice, "'Ing Pet! 'Ing Pet! 'Ing Pet! 'Ing Pet!"

Lucy giggled and Susan started to smile until Atuki suddenly threw a tea cup at Edmund, "'Ing Emu!" That made everyone start laughing including Oreius and Stonebrook.

Kat clapped her hands, "Now I have to admit this was the one thing I didn't think of when I was trying to figure out how we were to get rid of those two predators. Imagine two women at thirty-one and twenty-nine years of age going after boys. They had no respect for anyone."

Edmund rubbed his forehead as Atuki clambered onto his head, "Kat, how did you find out their ages and which one was which?"

Kat shrugged, "I spoke with Vanessa and Selima. Nice girls. I wonder if we can convince Seddhan to bring them the next time he comes to Narnia. Anyway, Freddie is thirty-one and your Teddie is twenty-nine."

Edmund scowled, "She is not my Teddie!" He turned to Stonebrook and a hint of pleading appeared in his voice, effectively reminding everyone that Edmund was still a few months shy of his fourteenth birthday. "Stonebrook, next time, may we refuse any proposed marriage alliances via letter?"

Stonebrook chuckled, "I believe so, your majesty."

Susan shook her head, "Yes, well as nice as it was for Suki to come rescue her 'Ing Pet, the two of you need to help clean up this mess. Now." I looked at Edmund who had Atuki on his head...while Suki had clambered onto my head and occasionally yanked on my hair as she continued to hum happily. We sighed and started cleaning up while the others left, only to be replaced by the servants who giggled at the sight of their kings, each with a Raccoon kit balancing on their head. Well, at least the Raccoons saved us from Freddie and Teddie.

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**A/N: Please Read and Review! Okay, so this is another Raccoon adventure... The makeup and outfits Freddie and Teddie wear are based on Elizabethan Era clothing and makeup...definitely not the normal fashion on Terebinthia btw. Anyway, leave a review and let me know what y'all think about this one.**


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